Out of the Mouth of Kaylynn 2

It is amazing how God blesses us through our children!
I just recently found out that one of my best friends is pregnant, and they weren't really trying or desiring to have another baby. I can't tell you how devestating the news was to me. Although I am very happy for her, it is so hard to understand. With tears in my eyes, I told her that I was happy for her, but that this was going to be so hard for me. Being the great friend she is she cried with me. In that moment I was quite upset with the Lord. It seemed like He was picking an choosing, and He wasn't choosing me!
Then we were interrupted because my friend had to take her son to the restroom. While they were gone, my daughter Kaylynn came over singing a scripture song from one of her CD's. Let your requests be made known unto God Phillipians 3:8 ...........
I decided to go ahead and tell her the news, encouraging myself with the same words that I was speaking to them, that we should be happy for them, even though it is hard for us.
At first Kaylynn didn't understand, she said, but they already have baby Ashlyn. ( As in they have Ashlyn already, isn't that enough. Again, I explained that God had blessed them with another baby, trying to hold back the tears. We talked for a few minutes longer, and asked her if she still wanted to have a brother or sister. She said she would like to have a brother that wouldn't die. She then decided spontaneously to talk to God and ask Him to give us a baby boy that wouldn't die. Right after she prayed she came over and hugged me and said, it will be okay mommy I promise. God will give you a new baby, I promise. I want to believe that God could do this even though it is really hard. I want to believe that wasn't just my little girl speaking, but God using her to speak to me to let my requests be made known unto my Father God!

Out of the Mouth of my little girl Kaylynn

I know it is late, but I need to get this written down before I forget it.

Psalm 8:2 - From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.

Last monday night ( 11-9-09) I was up until rather late getting ready for a field trip that Kaylynn and I were going to be attending. Kaylynn had fallen asleep earlier on our couch, and I was up printing out a map and some more information that would help us be prepared for the event. I woke Kaylynn up to get her into her bed, and she starts telling me very matter of factly, "Grandpa is alive, do you know that mommy?" "Grandpa is alive!" Then she said, either Jesus can heal him, or Jesus has healed him. It was quite startling and quite amazing. I asked her if she had a dream, and she said yes, but after that she was too sleepy to want to talk about it. I asked her the next day and she would give me any details. Kaylynn has been talking alot about heaven lately, and we have went over the gospel with her on many different occasions. She talks about heaven coming down to earth. (Sometimes though she gets mixed up and says Earth is coming to heaven! :-) ). Anyways, so again when we were praying together tonight. She prayed for differently family members and said, Jesus I thank you for my Uncle (just a mix up) Bennie and that he is alive. I like that.
Oh, the faith of a child. Lord give us childlike faith that we may see your kingdom, and see by faith that our dear Abby and Grandpa Bennie are already there!

In Honor of My Father

Yesterday, was Halloween. One year ago on Halloween I had just returned from a Reformation party at our church. We arrived home sometime after 10:30 pm. Then I received a phone call from my mother to tell me that my dad was being flown to a hospital in Tulsa, OK because he had just had a brain aneurism. I remember I called my brother and we had to make the difficult decision of whether or not a neurosurgeon should operate and try to save his life. I remember I was up all night praying that God would let him live, and most of all to be sure that he was right with God. The next day we headed to the hospital in Tulsa. I was shocked to see my dad on the ventilator and not moving. He did respond when I spoke to him and he stroked my hand with his thumb when I asked him if he could hear me. I stayed off and on at the hospital for almost a month. My brother was there even more than I was, he only left when he absolutely had to, to go check on his place and his cattle. At first it seemed that our dad might get better, there were hopeful signs because he was responding, but he never completely came out of the coma like state that He was in. I spent alot of time reading scripture to him, singing to him, going over the gospel with him, and I truly believed that He was going to get better. Words can not describe how hard a time this was for our family, especially for my brother and me, our Aunt Margaret (dad's sister), and Treva (dad's girlfriend). We knew that dad wouldn't want to be on life support but we kept wanting to hold out in hope that a miracle would happen. One thing that was amazing through all of this is that my brother and I were always united on everything, there were never any arguments between us. We just wanted what was best for our father. You never believe something like this is going to happen to you or to your family until it does. Some of our family celebrated Thanksgiving at a local Golden Corral, afterwards I went and sat in Dad's room and watched football on T.V. for a little bit to try to have some normalcy, and talked to my dad rembering how much he enjoyed watching football when we were growing up, and just talked to him, telling him how much I love him, what a great dad he is. It would be the next day that my brother and I would find out that there was no hope for my dad. His kidneys were failing, he wasn't taking dialysis very well, and the MRI had shown another stroke in his brain (with no chance of recovery). Our hearts sunk. My brother and I both went our seperate ways for a brief time, I think, to try to wrap our minds around what we had just heard. Paul, my husband, was there with me when we got the news. He walked outside with me. We went to our car in the parking lot. I got in and screamed with everything inside me. I kicked my feet on the floor and yelled at God. No, please, please this can't be. Please don't allow this to happen. Don't allow my dad to die. Not long after that we made the decision to have him taken off life support. Call me crazy, I still wanted to believe that maybe he could make it. That evening was the second longest day of my life. Abby's was the first. We were up all night waiting for my dad to die, but he didn't that night. Which to me was some small miracle, it reminded me that life and death are in God's hands, not man's. In fact it wasn't until the next afternoon that my dad passed away shortly after 5 pm on November 29th, 2009. It's been a year, and it is hitting me again that He is no longer here. Another year, more upcoming holidays without him, without Abby. It's not right, and it's not fair. I know I am supposed to look toward Christ's return and that I will spend all eternity with them, but that doesn't lesson the pain or the fact that I wish I could see them now.

Abby's Story

I know it is late, but I am going to attempt this. Why not go for two posts!

The first thing I remember is finding out I was pregnant with Abby. I surprised my husband by wrapping up the pregancy test and taking him to Los Molcaljetas restuarant. I gave it to him in the car, and he was surprised when he opened it and very happy. He and Kaylynn and I enjoyed a wonderful meal together, and He explained to Kaylynn that mommy was going to have a baby and that she was going to have a little sister.

When we went to the doctors office in December I found out I was further along than I thought, about 12 weeks along. I was excited about that, less time being pregnant! Everything seemed to be going well. I remember they wanted to do an extra ultrasound just to get another look at Abby's heart and her lips because they hadn't got pictures as good as they wanted them. The day I went in to the second ultrasound. Abby's heart was under my belly button but her growth and everything looked good and they thought that nothing was wrong. Little did we know that would be the very thing that was wrong.

Another thing I distinctly remember is a strange conversation one afternoon with Kaylynn. We were talking about something and out of the blue she says, Mommy you are going to have a supernatural baby. I wondered at what this might mean. I remember the many times we went to the doctors office and hearing her strong heartbeat. I loved hearing it, thinking everything was okay.

The time came for Abby to arrive. My water broke on June 2nd in the morning, but it was a small amount and they sent us back home. We have a picture of Kaylynn so excited waiting for her little sister to arrive. Perhaps I will post it sometime. We came back to the hospital again on June 3rd, around 3:30 am. My contractions were really strong and hurting. When they finally got us checked in the Labor room I was in immense pain. I couldn't wait to get an epidural, especially after the nurse told me that I was not progressing. It would be quite a few hours later before Abby was born.

Shortly after she was born and the nurse was checking her over we found out that Abby had a cleft palate. This was devastating to us, but felt it was something that could be handled, and we were given information about the amazing cleft palate team from Temple, Texas. We had to learn how to feed Abby with a special bottle for her cleft palate, and the Dr. Steiner and the other nurses were quite nervous at first because we were having trouble getting Abby to drink from her bottle, but she eventually caught on once we started using the special bottle. We took her home thinking all was well, so did the doctors.

The memories I have of Abby are how small she was, that I got to hold her close to my chest many times during the short nine days of her life, that Kaylynn and I got to give her a sponge bath together, how hairy and red her little body was. The one thing I wish we would've done is video taped her and I don't know why we didn't. Maybe it was because I was so busy trying to take care of her.

The day of Abby's death June 12th, 2008. I had gone to sleep while my husband had took the first shift and fed Abby and she was having a little bit of difficulty with taking her bottle. When I tried feeding her around midnight, she was having some difficulty. At her next feeding around 3:00 she would not take her bottle, and I suspected it had something to do with her cleft palate. We contemplated taking her to the emergency room, because I knew something was wrong. I called the Nurse Line, and they instructed us to make an appointment with our Dr. and take her in the morning to be seen. We waited for the appointment time anxiously and I called friends to pray for Abby and for us, having no idea at this time of what was about to come, that there could be anything else wrong with her wasn't even a thought in my mind. Once we saw the doctor she knew immediately that something was wrong. She listened to Abby's heart and I think that is when she knew and we started to know something was really wrong. The doctor nurse assistant picked up Abby and walked her to the emergency room. Kaylynn was still with us at this time. We called some close friends to come and pick her up so that we could focus on Abby. A flurry or doctors and nurses began to come in the room. At first Abby's vital signs were normal, but they rapidly began to go down. Her body they said was beginning to go into acidosis, which we had no idea what that meant. The Hours seemed like minutes. We were told that Abby was going to have to be life-flighted to Temple, TX. It took longer than usual because only a week before there had been an emergency helicopter that had crashed, and the loss of the pilots was still being mourned. However, an emergency still came and to fly our daughter to Temple, TX. Before they arrived, at one point we almost lost Abby, but they were able to revive her.

I cannot explain in adequate words what that was like, as Paul and I cried out to the Lord to save our little Abby and to help her to live. I thought she would make it if they could just get her to Temple. We were not able to fly with her so we had to rush home and pack a bag to go to Temple. We would find out later that Abby's heart had stopped again on the flight to Temple. We were on our way to the Hospital when the Dr. from Temple called, and told us what we did not want to hear, what no parent ever wants to here, that our precious little girl had died. I was in complete shock. I remember that Paul pulled on the side of the road. I ask the Dr. again, so that's it, she passed away. Then I handed the phone over to Paul, and I can remember little else as I cried out in anguish wishing I could escaped this moment, that somehow it wasn't true. Paul was very brave, and called family members on the way to the hospital. It seemed like no time at all and we were at the hospital.

We made it to the Pediatric Ward and were ushered to the room that Abby was in. There laid her body cold and lifeless, our baby girl. The one I had held in my arms only hours ago. I remember thinking that I wish our pastor was here. I can't tell you some of the comfort I felt when our pastor Butch and his son Garrett showed up out of nowhere (I believe this was one of God's small signs to us that He was there). He wept with us and prayed with us, and we prayed believing that God could still heal Abby, raise her from the dead.

Within 30 minutes some very close friends of ours showed up and had brought Kaylynn with them. We were able to tell Kaylynn that her sister had died and would not be coming back to us. I remember Kaylynn telling us not to cry, that it was okay, and that Abby was in heaven. Our friends prayed with us and wept with us and held Abby's body. This is something that I do not want to forget, these were God's blessings to us, that in our suffering we were not alone. We are still not alone.

Our friends and church family surrounded us so much during this time. Paul and I both felt so carried by the Lord and by our friends and church family through Abby's funeral. It was a wonderful funeral service, and Hilliard funeral home did such an excellent job in every way. Our church blessed us so much by giving financially by helping with the funeral and other expense as well because they knew this was such an unexpected death. The funeral was hard and yet there was a peace that we had at the same time. I will always remember the songs we played at her funeral, God moves in a mysterious way, and One Day.

So, that's part of the story of our little girl Abigail Hannah Schafer. It has been difficult now that people seemed to have moved on, but I think some of it is that I find it hard to reach out on some days when I am really struggling. But I need to reach out, to the Lord first and to others to receive healing. God has seemed somewhat distant these days, but I know some things he has spoken to me and I need to go back to them. In this darkness He is there, so seek Him. To see Christ as my brother who has gone before me and wants to help me through this, and to Follow Him.

Okay, Here I Go!

Okay, so it's taken me awhile-a long while to begin to do this blogging thing. I can't promise you I am going to continue, I hope to though. This has definitely been the hardest time in my life. I know many others have faced similar struggles as well. I have felt overwhelmed most of the time, just trying to make it through each day. Trying to seek the Lord, feeling like I am failing miserably at times. I am wanting to learn how to be real, whether anybody else reads this or not. If you have been on this sight you know some of what our family has been through. For me personally, what has added to all of these tragedies is the physical tiredness that I am experiencing. I find it difficult to keep focused and on task. I am homeschooling our 5 1/2 yr. old daughter at this time as well. So most of my energy goes toward trying to figure out how to teach a child diagnosed with Aspbergers and making sure that she is learning and being trained to help compensate for deficiencies in fine motor skills and attention. I love teaching her, I really do, but there are times when she has emotional outbursts or is resistant to learning and I am at a loss to know how to help her overcome these things.

So, enough about that. I recently had the opportunity to talk with another mother from our church Living Hope Bryan she had a different set of circumstances (loss of her teenage son), but knew the pain of loss. We talked over a picnic lunch and I told her about all that had happened in this last year and a half, and was able to show her some pictures of my sweet Abby. It was so good to be able to share her with someone, to say her name, to acknowledge her and the loss of her. I was telling my friend that I think I am still now just really coming to deal with the losses, because it has been so much, so quickly. I woke up this morning with feelings of anger towards God. I felt that I missed Abby so much. I question so many times why God allowed this to happen to us. It is hard reading the gospels or other stories in the bible at times because the Lord seems so willing to heal, and yet we didn't see any healing on our behalf or see God answering our prayers. There have been thoughts of doubt and questions about my faith. People keep telling me that it is going to get better, that one day the pain is going to be a little less, that I will be able to help others, that I will be more like Christ. Honestly, those things sound good but sometimes they don't help very much. Seeing others who have come through their own trials with faith in Christ still intact and thriving do give me some hope. I think if the Lord helped them through, can he not help me too? Then there are times that I am scared! Am I going to see any purpose, do I have to wait until I get to heaven for any of this to be revealed. Am I really going to see my Abby and my Dad in heaven? Surely not, I don't see that in Scripture, God didn't just leave Ruth or Job out there and said you'll understand it all in heaven one day. He showed in their lifetime at least some of his plan and purpose, though not all. By the way I am so glad the stories of Job and Ruth or in the bible, that there we people that tragedies happened to that wasn't a result of a "LACK OF FAITH" on their part. I need to know that right now. I need to believe Psalm 138:8, and what David said, that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

The Friends who have been a blessing to us!

Tomorrow will be one year since the day of our precious daughter Abigail Hannah's death, and going to see our Lord Jesus Christ. I wanted to recognize some of our friends who have blessed us with beautiful cards, and I believe there are many others who have been praying for us. I will try to post on Abby's story this side of heaven and what it has been like for us in this past year.

The Williams family for the beautiful card and very encouraging words.

The Aguirre family for the beautiful orange candle (Abby's favorite color) and the card.

The Royer family for the beautiful white cross (w/ Proverbs 3:5-6) and encouraging words

The Palermo's for a beautiful card and encouraging words.

The Dornak's for the beautiful card and from the heart words.

Susan Gray (Grief Share leader) for the card, your support, and prayers.

Margie (friend from Grief Share) for the card and support.

Heather and the Hendrick clan for emailing us that you remember Abby.

For the Ellison family and your email reminder that Abby is with Jesus.

For the Marshall family for the beautifu e-card gently reminding us that we will one day be with her.

Ashley and the Kinnard family who have loved us, prayed for us, called and checked on us.

The Hilland family for their love, prayer and support.

The Smith family for their love, prayer and support.

The Tipton family for their love, prayer and support.

For all those who sent cards and have prayed for us in the past,

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

May the Lord remember your kindness and love to us, may it be a reminder to us that we are loved by you and by God our Father, and may a watching world continue to see the love that we have for one another, and know that it is from God!

Thank you all for remembering our precious daughter Abigail Hannah Schafer!

Resurrection Sunday 2009

I realized Saturday, that this Sunday is 10 months to the day that Abby passed away. I have been hopeful during this time of celebrating the resurrection of Christ.  Because of Christ's sacrifice there is great hope and faith that our Abby is alive and with our Lord, and I believe that my dad Bennie Stanley is too. I wonder what they are doing right now, I wonder if they know anything about what is happening down here?  I would like to think that they do.  After having lunch with our Hope Group/Bible Study Group Paul, Kaylynn, and I went to get some flowers to take to Abby's gravesite.  We picked out a beautiful bouquet of white daisies and tiger lillies, then I spotted this very beautiful orange butterfly, so we bought that too.  I think of orange as Abby's color because that is the color of bow that the nurse put on her head in the hospital and she looked so beatiful with it on.  So we went to the gravesite for a little bit, it was an absolutely gorgeous afternoon.  It is hard right now to imagine what Abby is doing up in heaven.  There are lots of questions at time, but I am thankful for Christ's death and ressurrection that give me hope that I will one day see her and my dad again!  And one day He's coming back, Oh glorious day!

This is my dad Bennie Alvis Stanley. He was a great father, grandfather, son, brother, and friend. He loved life and loved music. He had many struggles in his life, but as I posted in an earlier post, I have hope that in the end that his heart was turned to Christ and that I will see him again! I love you and miss you so much!
Your little girl.

Contemplations

Today is 7 months since the day we buried Abby, the day that was her due date.
Abby was born on June 3rd, 2008 and died 9 days later on June 12th, 2008. It is still hard to believe that all of this has really happened. It seems like a bad dream.
On top of that, my dad, Bennie Alvis Stanley had a massive hemorrhagic stroke on October 31st, 2008. At first it appeared that he was going to make a recovery, and then he had a second stroke in his brain stem which proved to be fatal. He passed away on November 29th, 2008. I think I am still in shock, like I know he is gone, but is it real. That he will call me or come walking through the door, or something.
Then there is January 2nd, 2009. I went in for an MRI for a brain scan just to get everything checked out. Around July 4th weekend in 2008 I began having a small smudge spot in my eye and headaches. This began to go back and forth and I began to have a sensitivity on the right side of my brain. So, anyways the radiologist called my family doctor, and my family doctor called me to inform me that I have what appears to be a tumor on my pituitary gland. My family doctor who attends the same church as we do later told me how hard it was to give me the news. All I could say on the other end of the phone was okay and try to take in all of the information. At first we didn't know if this was life threatning or what. The first thing Paul and I did was set down and pray. Then that weekend at church Dr. Brieger gathered around some deacons and had them pray over Paul and I, it was such an encouragement to me.

I can not say I understand any of this right now, except that I feel like God is bringing me to the end of myself. I am realizing I have no hope but Christ alone! I would like to be able to say that my faith has been strong, but it hasn't.
I have questioned God, I have even felt a feelings of hatred toward Him, and then wondered if He would still love me. That seems to be a big issue for me. I have doubted again, wanting to make sure that I am truly His child, letting my emotions lie to me, rather that listening to the truth of God's Word and remembering how he redeemed/saved me many years ago.
But last Sunday night I told God, I am messed up and only you can fix me, and I believe I identified with the body and blood of Christ, that's who He died for, messed up, sinful people like me. He just wants me to realize that I need Him, and He will have mercy on me!

Since then God has spoken to me through His Word, and I believe this is key and monumental for my life. I was teaching our daughter the 10 Commandments, and was reading the story about Moses. Anyways, God speaks the Commandment to the children of Isreal, and they are terrified, but Moses tells the "Do not fear, for God has sent this to test you so that you will not sin" So God has appeared this way so that they will fear Him and not sin, but it says that Moses approached the thick darkness where God was". Moses had confidence to approach this terrifying God because he knew God had called Him. Moses is a type of Christ, and through faith in Christ I am able to approach God especially in this time that seems like thick darkness. To know behind what seems like terrifying circumstances that God my Father is there. I believe He is going to make all things work together for His glory and my good!
I think I am starting to see that what really matters is God's glory and the gospel.
That we were created by God to enjoy Him forever, the bad news is we don't enjoy God like we should, the good news is God sent His Son to take our place, and pay the debt of love that we owe to God, and when we believe on His Son, he puts His Spirit in our hearts to cause us to love Him. I want to love Him and I need Him to love me, it's what I was created for!

I have been selfish, I need to let the light God has given me shine before men so that they will glorify Him!
There are many things I still don't understand, and I need to trust the Lord and ask Him to show me as much as I can see, that He will make sense of all these trials now and completely when I see my Savior's face.

I will end with a song, its' one I kind of put together from three different songs, God had been drawing me to himself from a young age. This is the prayer and cry of my heart.

I will trust you Lord with all my heart
And lean not on my own understanding
In all my ways acknowledge you
And you will direct my paths
I will seek you in the morning
And I will learn to walk in your ways
And step by step you'll lead me
And I will follow you all of my days
I will follow you all of my days
Cause Where you lead me I will follow
With your rod and staff to guide me
Over mountains and through the valleys
You will lead my heart to safety
And I will rest beneath the shadow of your wings
My soul follows hard after Thee