If you have visited this site, you have probably realized that I'm not that great with words. Some people seem to have a gift for knowing what to say or knowing what to do. I visited a few blogs to see what some people I know are up to. Heard about some really amazing stuff that God is doing in their lives, and that is wonderful! I really am excited for them. But I feel stuck. Stuck here in this grief still. Stuck in life. Oh, I know what I am doing has a purpose, and I am a child of God. But what does God have for us? What is to come out of our lives, out of our tragedy. Abby's death was not meaningless. It seems like I am okay for awhile, life keeps moving forward, and I am moving with it, sometimes by God's grace. Then sometimes, I am upset. I don't know what to do, but I wish I could do something, or maybe that God would do something. Something amazing, something that will say to everyone, See, they haven't went through this for nothing! I am displaying My Glory through them. If I am honest, sometimes I don't feel that way, and it's hard to believe that God is doing anything. Though I just need to look back and remember how He has carried us through so far.
One thing that is hard is that the three close friends that I have right now, we all seem to be going in different directions. My closest friend just had a new baby boy over a month ago, and it hurts. It hurts to be around her, it hurts to see her baby, when after two years I still wish that I had mine. Maybe, it is hard for her to be around me right now too. Maybe it is painful for her too, and she doesn't know how to act around me. She has three kids now, and it's different dynamics. So many people are having babies around me, it is unreal. I just feel alone right now. Yes, I know the Lord is with me and I need to turn to Him, but I also need community. It is hard to know if I should try to reach out to them, or should I try to have some new relationships. It is hard to know what to do. Father God, remind me Whose I Am, and help me know what to do?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thinking of Abby
My mother-in-law is in this weekend from Colorado Springs. We have been having a great time and enjoying time out at our pool beside our condo. We threw a ball around to each other in the pool and Kaylynn has been practicing her swimming. Afterwards, we were all setting on the lounge chairs drying off, and I started thinking about what it would be like if Abby was toddling around the pool. She would be 2 yrs. 1 month old. I am missing that 2nd voice that I should be hearing today.
This last week has been a week where I have had to fight my emotions. I heard a great sermon from our wonderful teaching elder, Allen Duty. It was at the women's Life Givers event and was about Why we should practice having a Sabbath. It was a wonderful sermon and something I want to learn to put into practice. I was really excited to learn more about what God's word says about Sabbath. But near the end of the evening, the women who were seated at the discussion table I was at began talking about pregnancy and going in to labor. I should have just left when they first started talking, but was trying to be polite. When I could endure it no longer, I left and made my way to my car. The tears started streaming down. I was somewhat shocked at how much it hurt me to hear them talking about pregnancy and labor. I remember thinking while they were talking, don' t they know how much it hurts for me to hear these things. Also, will I ever not hurt so much, to hear others talk about being pregnant or fixing to have a baby. Looking back, I think one of the reasons that it is still so painful for me to hear about other women being pregnant or fixing to have their baby is that these are the few memories that I have of Abby, because her life was so short. When I got in my car I thought about just leaving and going home, but I was afraid that my emotions were going to cause me to be depressed, but also that I was going to lose focus on what I had heard in the sermon and I didn't want to lose what I had heard. So, I gathered up courage and waited for two of my friends to arrive outside. Once they did, I asked them to pray for me and told them what was going on. The graciously prayed for me. The scripture that came to mind when they were nearly finished was, I have loved you with an everlasting love! Jeremiah 31:3. This scripture has helped to sustain me, as well as Psalms 28.
This last week has been a week where I have had to fight my emotions. I heard a great sermon from our wonderful teaching elder, Allen Duty. It was at the women's Life Givers event and was about Why we should practice having a Sabbath. It was a wonderful sermon and something I want to learn to put into practice. I was really excited to learn more about what God's word says about Sabbath. But near the end of the evening, the women who were seated at the discussion table I was at began talking about pregnancy and going in to labor. I should have just left when they first started talking, but was trying to be polite. When I could endure it no longer, I left and made my way to my car. The tears started streaming down. I was somewhat shocked at how much it hurt me to hear them talking about pregnancy and labor. I remember thinking while they were talking, don' t they know how much it hurts for me to hear these things. Also, will I ever not hurt so much, to hear others talk about being pregnant or fixing to have a baby. Looking back, I think one of the reasons that it is still so painful for me to hear about other women being pregnant or fixing to have their baby is that these are the few memories that I have of Abby, because her life was so short. When I got in my car I thought about just leaving and going home, but I was afraid that my emotions were going to cause me to be depressed, but also that I was going to lose focus on what I had heard in the sermon and I didn't want to lose what I had heard. So, I gathered up courage and waited for two of my friends to arrive outside. Once they did, I asked them to pray for me and told them what was going on. The graciously prayed for me. The scripture that came to mind when they were nearly finished was, I have loved you with an everlasting love! Jeremiah 31:3. This scripture has helped to sustain me, as well as Psalms 28.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Something to Remember
Look at what God has done, instead of what I think He hasn't done! Look at His goodness to us!
God my Father has been with me, with us through all three trials that we have faced, though it has been dark and hard to see Him at times.
He carried us through Abby's death and funeral, surrounded us with our church body!
He gave me peace to trust Him and let my dad "go" on his deathbed after being on a ventilator for a month at the hospital, just 4 months after Abby had passed away.
He helped me and my husband walk through finding out I had a pituitary tumor that needed to be operated on. He gave me a scipture to hold on to as I faced going in to surgery on a day when 50 other people died in a plane crash that morning!
The Lord has been good to me far more than I deserve!
He gives me days of faith when I can believe that Abby's really there in heaven with my Lord Jesus Christ, and I am going to see them both one day, and I can have joy.
Help me Father to remember more of these things and rest in your Promise and your Goodness and have more of those days of joy though still filled with sorrow. Let my eyes see mor of your goodness on this side of heaven too!
God my Father has been with me, with us through all three trials that we have faced, though it has been dark and hard to see Him at times.
He carried us through Abby's death and funeral, surrounded us with our church body!
He gave me peace to trust Him and let my dad "go" on his deathbed after being on a ventilator for a month at the hospital, just 4 months after Abby had passed away.
He helped me and my husband walk through finding out I had a pituitary tumor that needed to be operated on. He gave me a scipture to hold on to as I faced going in to surgery on a day when 50 other people died in a plane crash that morning!
The Lord has been good to me far more than I deserve!
He gives me days of faith when I can believe that Abby's really there in heaven with my Lord Jesus Christ, and I am going to see them both one day, and I can have joy.
Help me Father to remember more of these things and rest in your Promise and your Goodness and have more of those days of joy though still filled with sorrow. Let my eyes see mor of your goodness on this side of heaven too!
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