Okay, Here I Go!

Okay, so it's taken me awhile-a long while to begin to do this blogging thing. I can't promise you I am going to continue, I hope to though. This has definitely been the hardest time in my life. I know many others have faced similar struggles as well. I have felt overwhelmed most of the time, just trying to make it through each day. Trying to seek the Lord, feeling like I am failing miserably at times. I am wanting to learn how to be real, whether anybody else reads this or not. If you have been on this sight you know some of what our family has been through. For me personally, what has added to all of these tragedies is the physical tiredness that I am experiencing. I find it difficult to keep focused and on task. I am homeschooling our 5 1/2 yr. old daughter at this time as well. So most of my energy goes toward trying to figure out how to teach a child diagnosed with Aspbergers and making sure that she is learning and being trained to help compensate for deficiencies in fine motor skills and attention. I love teaching her, I really do, but there are times when she has emotional outbursts or is resistant to learning and I am at a loss to know how to help her overcome these things.

So, enough about that. I recently had the opportunity to talk with another mother from our church Living Hope Bryan she had a different set of circumstances (loss of her teenage son), but knew the pain of loss. We talked over a picnic lunch and I told her about all that had happened in this last year and a half, and was able to show her some pictures of my sweet Abby. It was so good to be able to share her with someone, to say her name, to acknowledge her and the loss of her. I was telling my friend that I think I am still now just really coming to deal with the losses, because it has been so much, so quickly. I woke up this morning with feelings of anger towards God. I felt that I missed Abby so much. I question so many times why God allowed this to happen to us. It is hard reading the gospels or other stories in the bible at times because the Lord seems so willing to heal, and yet we didn't see any healing on our behalf or see God answering our prayers. There have been thoughts of doubt and questions about my faith. People keep telling me that it is going to get better, that one day the pain is going to be a little less, that I will be able to help others, that I will be more like Christ. Honestly, those things sound good but sometimes they don't help very much. Seeing others who have come through their own trials with faith in Christ still intact and thriving do give me some hope. I think if the Lord helped them through, can he not help me too? Then there are times that I am scared! Am I going to see any purpose, do I have to wait until I get to heaven for any of this to be revealed. Am I really going to see my Abby and my Dad in heaven? Surely not, I don't see that in Scripture, God didn't just leave Ruth or Job out there and said you'll understand it all in heaven one day. He showed in their lifetime at least some of his plan and purpose, though not all. By the way I am so glad the stories of Job and Ruth or in the bible, that there we people that tragedies happened to that wasn't a result of a "LACK OF FAITH" on their part. I need to know that right now. I need to believe Psalm 138:8, and what David said, that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

The Friends who have been a blessing to us!

Tomorrow will be one year since the day of our precious daughter Abigail Hannah's death, and going to see our Lord Jesus Christ. I wanted to recognize some of our friends who have blessed us with beautiful cards, and I believe there are many others who have been praying for us. I will try to post on Abby's story this side of heaven and what it has been like for us in this past year.

The Williams family for the beautiful card and very encouraging words.

The Aguirre family for the beautiful orange candle (Abby's favorite color) and the card.

The Royer family for the beautiful white cross (w/ Proverbs 3:5-6) and encouraging words

The Palermo's for a beautiful card and encouraging words.

The Dornak's for the beautiful card and from the heart words.

Susan Gray (Grief Share leader) for the card, your support, and prayers.

Margie (friend from Grief Share) for the card and support.

Heather and the Hendrick clan for emailing us that you remember Abby.

For the Ellison family and your email reminder that Abby is with Jesus.

For the Marshall family for the beautifu e-card gently reminding us that we will one day be with her.

Ashley and the Kinnard family who have loved us, prayed for us, called and checked on us.

The Hilland family for their love, prayer and support.

The Smith family for their love, prayer and support.

The Tipton family for their love, prayer and support.

For all those who sent cards and have prayed for us in the past,

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

May the Lord remember your kindness and love to us, may it be a reminder to us that we are loved by you and by God our Father, and may a watching world continue to see the love that we have for one another, and know that it is from God!

Thank you all for remembering our precious daughter Abigail Hannah Schafer!

Resurrection Sunday 2009

I realized Saturday, that this Sunday is 10 months to the day that Abby passed away. I have been hopeful during this time of celebrating the resurrection of Christ.  Because of Christ's sacrifice there is great hope and faith that our Abby is alive and with our Lord, and I believe that my dad Bennie Stanley is too. I wonder what they are doing right now, I wonder if they know anything about what is happening down here?  I would like to think that they do.  After having lunch with our Hope Group/Bible Study Group Paul, Kaylynn, and I went to get some flowers to take to Abby's gravesite.  We picked out a beautiful bouquet of white daisies and tiger lillies, then I spotted this very beautiful orange butterfly, so we bought that too.  I think of orange as Abby's color because that is the color of bow that the nurse put on her head in the hospital and she looked so beatiful with it on.  So we went to the gravesite for a little bit, it was an absolutely gorgeous afternoon.  It is hard right now to imagine what Abby is doing up in heaven.  There are lots of questions at time, but I am thankful for Christ's death and ressurrection that give me hope that I will one day see her and my dad again!  And one day He's coming back, Oh glorious day!

This is my dad Bennie Alvis Stanley. He was a great father, grandfather, son, brother, and friend. He loved life and loved music. He had many struggles in his life, but as I posted in an earlier post, I have hope that in the end that his heart was turned to Christ and that I will see him again! I love you and miss you so much!
Your little girl.

Contemplations

Today is 7 months since the day we buried Abby, the day that was her due date.
Abby was born on June 3rd, 2008 and died 9 days later on June 12th, 2008. It is still hard to believe that all of this has really happened. It seems like a bad dream.
On top of that, my dad, Bennie Alvis Stanley had a massive hemorrhagic stroke on October 31st, 2008. At first it appeared that he was going to make a recovery, and then he had a second stroke in his brain stem which proved to be fatal. He passed away on November 29th, 2008. I think I am still in shock, like I know he is gone, but is it real. That he will call me or come walking through the door, or something.
Then there is January 2nd, 2009. I went in for an MRI for a brain scan just to get everything checked out. Around July 4th weekend in 2008 I began having a small smudge spot in my eye and headaches. This began to go back and forth and I began to have a sensitivity on the right side of my brain. So, anyways the radiologist called my family doctor, and my family doctor called me to inform me that I have what appears to be a tumor on my pituitary gland. My family doctor who attends the same church as we do later told me how hard it was to give me the news. All I could say on the other end of the phone was okay and try to take in all of the information. At first we didn't know if this was life threatning or what. The first thing Paul and I did was set down and pray. Then that weekend at church Dr. Brieger gathered around some deacons and had them pray over Paul and I, it was such an encouragement to me.

I can not say I understand any of this right now, except that I feel like God is bringing me to the end of myself. I am realizing I have no hope but Christ alone! I would like to be able to say that my faith has been strong, but it hasn't.
I have questioned God, I have even felt a feelings of hatred toward Him, and then wondered if He would still love me. That seems to be a big issue for me. I have doubted again, wanting to make sure that I am truly His child, letting my emotions lie to me, rather that listening to the truth of God's Word and remembering how he redeemed/saved me many years ago.
But last Sunday night I told God, I am messed up and only you can fix me, and I believe I identified with the body and blood of Christ, that's who He died for, messed up, sinful people like me. He just wants me to realize that I need Him, and He will have mercy on me!

Since then God has spoken to me through His Word, and I believe this is key and monumental for my life. I was teaching our daughter the 10 Commandments, and was reading the story about Moses. Anyways, God speaks the Commandment to the children of Isreal, and they are terrified, but Moses tells the "Do not fear, for God has sent this to test you so that you will not sin" So God has appeared this way so that they will fear Him and not sin, but it says that Moses approached the thick darkness where God was". Moses had confidence to approach this terrifying God because he knew God had called Him. Moses is a type of Christ, and through faith in Christ I am able to approach God especially in this time that seems like thick darkness. To know behind what seems like terrifying circumstances that God my Father is there. I believe He is going to make all things work together for His glory and my good!
I think I am starting to see that what really matters is God's glory and the gospel.
That we were created by God to enjoy Him forever, the bad news is we don't enjoy God like we should, the good news is God sent His Son to take our place, and pay the debt of love that we owe to God, and when we believe on His Son, he puts His Spirit in our hearts to cause us to love Him. I want to love Him and I need Him to love me, it's what I was created for!

I have been selfish, I need to let the light God has given me shine before men so that they will glorify Him!
There are many things I still don't understand, and I need to trust the Lord and ask Him to show me as much as I can see, that He will make sense of all these trials now and completely when I see my Savior's face.

I will end with a song, its' one I kind of put together from three different songs, God had been drawing me to himself from a young age. This is the prayer and cry of my heart.

I will trust you Lord with all my heart
And lean not on my own understanding
In all my ways acknowledge you
And you will direct my paths
I will seek you in the morning
And I will learn to walk in your ways
And step by step you'll lead me
And I will follow you all of my days
I will follow you all of my days
Cause Where you lead me I will follow
With your rod and staff to guide me
Over mountains and through the valleys
You will lead my heart to safety
And I will rest beneath the shadow of your wings
My soul follows hard after Thee

Wow!
A lot has happened in the last six months with the loss of Abby, and then unexpectedly the loss of my father Bennie Alvis Stanley.

On October 31st, he had a massive hemmorraghic stroke (a massive brain bleed), the doctors believe it was caused by his high blood pressure. During most of the month of November we were going back and forth from Bryan, TX to Tulsa, OK and staying at the hospital as much as I possibly could. My brother, Cheyenne, stayed almost the whole month except for a few days to go home and take care of his place. At first my dad showed promising signs. He was moving his right side of his body and responding to the doctors, he opened his eyes, but was never able to become completely awake, then he eventually stopped responding and only moved his right hand infrequently. On Friday, November 28th, we were told by a neurologist that an earlier MRI scan showed that our dad had a secondary stroke from which he would never be able to recover.
My brother and I had to make the difficult decision to take him off the breathing machine that was assisting his breathing. To our amazement dad continue to breath on his own until the next day. This was a small miracle to me. It helped me to know that his life was in God's hands, and if he died it would be because God took him, not because man was keeping him alive. Our father, Bennie Alvis Stanley, passed away at 7:55 pm on November 29th, 2008.

We are thankful that in these last few years our dad was the happiest he had been in a long time. There is a story to tell of my dad that I do not have time for. In his own words that were written down in a poem that we found in some of his belongings said, "There once was a man who had pride, he lost that pride, and lost everything he had, and almost lost himself, but his pride was restored". I believe it was all through God.
A long time ago back in 1983 my dad surrended his life to Jesus Christ, and then he lost his way, it cost him everything, and nearly took his life, but then he found hope, got a good job, and met a wonderful lady that he began to love.
As my brother said in his own words, he saw my dad on the day that he had the stroke, and he said it was like knowing the Father that he once knew when he was 8 yrs. old!
Putting everything together we realized that that was around the time when my dad had been saved. I don't believe that this was a coincidence.

Our hearts, my heart is so hurting right now. I do not understand God the Father's plan in all this. I have been emotionally angry at Him because my heart has been broken with these two great losses in our lives, my life.
Right now I feel like a little girl sitting in the back seat of my daddy's car, kicking, screaming, and throwing a fit, because I (in my pride) believe that what I think is the best way to go is the way my daddy should go, but I can not see what my daddy sees. He knows better than I what is up ahead and where He is taking me, and He knows the best way to get me to the place He is taking me. I just have to learn to trust Him and learn how to wait on Him as He takes me to place that we are going! There is a story behind this, but this is how I feel right now. I may be kicking and screaming, but at least I am His child, and He is my daddy.

This is way more than a car ride though, this is real life, and it hurts, and sometimes I get upset, and I miss Abby and I miss my dad, and I don't understand why, and I hate sind and death, but I am slowly I believe beginning to trust again that my Heavenly Father knows what He is doing, that He is faithful, and will show me in His time.

Two things that helped me is that while in Oklahoma for Christmas, I saw my cousin Bucky, he feels called to preach the gospel. He is young and passionate about God, and so eager to learn about God. I was sharing an encouraging scripture with Him and it reminded me of the time God helped me to understand this scripture while I was in Bible College and working at night part time. The Lord has been with me, will He not be with me now?

Also, my granny share how she had to learn a hard lesson when my Uncle Steve (Bucky's dad) when to jail for drug possession. Her heart was broken to and she didn't understand why the Lord had allowed this to happen. But now she can see, because my Uncle Steve went to prison, he turned to the Lord Jesus in prison and was saved. My Uncle Steve himself would say that it was good that he went to prison for it brought him to the end of himself and helped him to see his need for a Savior.

So, I do not understand these circumstances, and my heart is broken, but oh may I trust in the Lord Jesus, he knows my brokeness more than anyone, for He gave up His life for us willingly. I have not given up my loved ones willingly.
I trust that the Lord Jesus will be all that I need if I will let Him be everything to me!

Wish I were better with words

I have been reading differnet blogs tonight and reading about Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, which was Abby's condition. I read three stories of babies who survived through having a heart transplant or surgery. Two of them were diagnosed very early on, within 24 hours of birth. This was really hard for me to read, and the questions start to come. Why, why not my Abby? Why couldn't she have shown signs earlier, why couldn't we have seen this earlier? Looking back now, I can see what I thought was problems with her having a cleft palate was actually the heart defect. This is so hard, I know none of this questioning is going to bring her back, but still my heart asks why? I don't know why tonight I am crying more than I have in the past week for Abby? I miss her, I want to hold her, I wish she was here. It is hard to try to get back to life as normal, will life ever be normal again. Oh, how I need to know that the Lord is near right now, that he sees my tears, and to believe that He is crying with me. For He has never forsaken those who seek Him!

I wish I could explain better how I feel, maybe blogging will help.