Sunday, April 12, 2009
Resurrection Sunday 2009
I realized Saturday, that this Sunday is 10 months to the day that Abby passed away. I have been hopeful during this time of celebrating the resurrection of Christ. Because of Christ's sacrifice there is great hope and faith that our Abby is alive and with our Lord, and I believe that my dad Bennie Stanley is too. I wonder what they are doing right now, I wonder if they know anything about what is happening down here? I would like to think that they do. After having lunch with our Hope Group/Bible Study Group Paul, Kaylynn, and I went to get some flowers to take to Abby's gravesite. We picked out a beautiful bouquet of white daisies and tiger lillies, then I spotted this very beautiful orange butterfly, so we bought that too. I think of orange as Abby's color because that is the color of bow that the nurse put on her head in the hospital and she looked so beatiful with it on. So we went to the gravesite for a little bit, it was an absolutely gorgeous afternoon. It is hard right now to imagine what Abby is doing up in heaven. There are lots of questions at time, but I am thankful for Christ's death and ressurrection that give me hope that I will one day see her and my dad again! And one day He's coming back, Oh glorious day!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
This is my dad Bennie Alvis Stanley. He was a great father, grandfather, son, brother, and friend. He loved life and loved music. He had many struggles in his life, but as I posted in an earlier post, I have hope that in the end that his heart was turned to Christ and that I will see him again! I love you and miss you so much!Your little girl.
Contemplations
Today is 7 months since the day we buried Abby, the day that was her due date.
Abby was born on June 3rd, 2008 and died 9 days later on June 12th, 2008. It is still hard to believe that all of this has really happened. It seems like a bad dream.
On top of that, my dad, Bennie Alvis Stanley had a massive hemorrhagic stroke on October 31st, 2008. At first it appeared that he was going to make a recovery, and then he had a second stroke in his brain stem which proved to be fatal. He passed away on November 29th, 2008. I think I am still in shock, like I know he is gone, but is it real. That he will call me or come walking through the door, or something.
Then there is January 2nd, 2009. I went in for an MRI for a brain scan just to get everything checked out. Around July 4th weekend in 2008 I began having a small smudge spot in my eye and headaches. This began to go back and forth and I began to have a sensitivity on the right side of my brain. So, anyways the radiologist called my family doctor, and my family doctor called me to inform me that I have what appears to be a tumor on my pituitary gland. My family doctor who attends the same church as we do later told me how hard it was to give me the news. All I could say on the other end of the phone was okay and try to take in all of the information. At first we didn't know if this was life threatning or what. The first thing Paul and I did was set down and pray. Then that weekend at church Dr. Brieger gathered around some deacons and had them pray over Paul and I, it was such an encouragement to me.
I can not say I understand any of this right now, except that I feel like God is bringing me to the end of myself. I am realizing I have no hope but Christ alone! I would like to be able to say that my faith has been strong, but it hasn't.
I have questioned God, I have even felt a feelings of hatred toward Him, and then wondered if He would still love me. That seems to be a big issue for me. I have doubted again, wanting to make sure that I am truly His child, letting my emotions lie to me, rather that listening to the truth of God's Word and remembering how he redeemed/saved me many years ago.
But last Sunday night I told God, I am messed up and only you can fix me, and I believe I identified with the body and blood of Christ, that's who He died for, messed up, sinful people like me. He just wants me to realize that I need Him, and He will have mercy on me!
Since then God has spoken to me through His Word, and I believe this is key and monumental for my life. I was teaching our daughter the 10 Commandments, and was reading the story about Moses. Anyways, God speaks the Commandment to the children of Isreal, and they are terrified, but Moses tells the "Do not fear, for God has sent this to test you so that you will not sin" So God has appeared this way so that they will fear Him and not sin, but it says that Moses approached the thick darkness where God was". Moses had confidence to approach this terrifying God because he knew God had called Him. Moses is a type of Christ, and through faith in Christ I am able to approach God especially in this time that seems like thick darkness. To know behind what seems like terrifying circumstances that God my Father is there. I believe He is going to make all things work together for His glory and my good!
I think I am starting to see that what really matters is God's glory and the gospel.
That we were created by God to enjoy Him forever, the bad news is we don't enjoy God like we should, the good news is God sent His Son to take our place, and pay the debt of love that we owe to God, and when we believe on His Son, he puts His Spirit in our hearts to cause us to love Him. I want to love Him and I need Him to love me, it's what I was created for!
I have been selfish, I need to let the light God has given me shine before men so that they will glorify Him!
There are many things I still don't understand, and I need to trust the Lord and ask Him to show me as much as I can see, that He will make sense of all these trials now and completely when I see my Savior's face.
I will end with a song, its' one I kind of put together from three different songs, God had been drawing me to himself from a young age. This is the prayer and cry of my heart.
I will trust you Lord with all my heart
And lean not on my own understanding
In all my ways acknowledge you
And you will direct my paths
I will seek you in the morning
And I will learn to walk in your ways
And step by step you'll lead me
And I will follow you all of my days
I will follow you all of my days
Cause Where you lead me I will follow
With your rod and staff to guide me
Over mountains and through the valleys
You will lead my heart to safety
And I will rest beneath the shadow of your wings
My soul follows hard after Thee
Abby was born on June 3rd, 2008 and died 9 days later on June 12th, 2008. It is still hard to believe that all of this has really happened. It seems like a bad dream.
On top of that, my dad, Bennie Alvis Stanley had a massive hemorrhagic stroke on October 31st, 2008. At first it appeared that he was going to make a recovery, and then he had a second stroke in his brain stem which proved to be fatal. He passed away on November 29th, 2008. I think I am still in shock, like I know he is gone, but is it real. That he will call me or come walking through the door, or something.
Then there is January 2nd, 2009. I went in for an MRI for a brain scan just to get everything checked out. Around July 4th weekend in 2008 I began having a small smudge spot in my eye and headaches. This began to go back and forth and I began to have a sensitivity on the right side of my brain. So, anyways the radiologist called my family doctor, and my family doctor called me to inform me that I have what appears to be a tumor on my pituitary gland. My family doctor who attends the same church as we do later told me how hard it was to give me the news. All I could say on the other end of the phone was okay and try to take in all of the information. At first we didn't know if this was life threatning or what. The first thing Paul and I did was set down and pray. Then that weekend at church Dr. Brieger gathered around some deacons and had them pray over Paul and I, it was such an encouragement to me.
I can not say I understand any of this right now, except that I feel like God is bringing me to the end of myself. I am realizing I have no hope but Christ alone! I would like to be able to say that my faith has been strong, but it hasn't.
I have questioned God, I have even felt a feelings of hatred toward Him, and then wondered if He would still love me. That seems to be a big issue for me. I have doubted again, wanting to make sure that I am truly His child, letting my emotions lie to me, rather that listening to the truth of God's Word and remembering how he redeemed/saved me many years ago.
But last Sunday night I told God, I am messed up and only you can fix me, and I believe I identified with the body and blood of Christ, that's who He died for, messed up, sinful people like me. He just wants me to realize that I need Him, and He will have mercy on me!
Since then God has spoken to me through His Word, and I believe this is key and monumental for my life. I was teaching our daughter the 10 Commandments, and was reading the story about Moses. Anyways, God speaks the Commandment to the children of Isreal, and they are terrified, but Moses tells the "Do not fear, for God has sent this to test you so that you will not sin" So God has appeared this way so that they will fear Him and not sin, but it says that Moses approached the thick darkness where God was". Moses had confidence to approach this terrifying God because he knew God had called Him. Moses is a type of Christ, and through faith in Christ I am able to approach God especially in this time that seems like thick darkness. To know behind what seems like terrifying circumstances that God my Father is there. I believe He is going to make all things work together for His glory and my good!
I think I am starting to see that what really matters is God's glory and the gospel.
That we were created by God to enjoy Him forever, the bad news is we don't enjoy God like we should, the good news is God sent His Son to take our place, and pay the debt of love that we owe to God, and when we believe on His Son, he puts His Spirit in our hearts to cause us to love Him. I want to love Him and I need Him to love me, it's what I was created for!
I have been selfish, I need to let the light God has given me shine before men so that they will glorify Him!
There are many things I still don't understand, and I need to trust the Lord and ask Him to show me as much as I can see, that He will make sense of all these trials now and completely when I see my Savior's face.
I will end with a song, its' one I kind of put together from three different songs, God had been drawing me to himself from a young age. This is the prayer and cry of my heart.
I will trust you Lord with all my heart
And lean not on my own understanding
In all my ways acknowledge you
And you will direct my paths
I will seek you in the morning
And I will learn to walk in your ways
And step by step you'll lead me
And I will follow you all of my days
I will follow you all of my days
Cause Where you lead me I will follow
With your rod and staff to guide me
Over mountains and through the valleys
You will lead my heart to safety
And I will rest beneath the shadow of your wings
My soul follows hard after Thee
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wow!
A lot has happened in the last six months with the loss of Abby, and then unexpectedly the loss of my father Bennie Alvis Stanley.
On October 31st, he had a massive hemmorraghic stroke (a massive brain bleed), the doctors believe it was caused by his high blood pressure. During most of the month of November we were going back and forth from Bryan, TX to Tulsa, OK and staying at the hospital as much as I possibly could. My brother, Cheyenne, stayed almost the whole month except for a few days to go home and take care of his place. At first my dad showed promising signs. He was moving his right side of his body and responding to the doctors, he opened his eyes, but was never able to become completely awake, then he eventually stopped responding and only moved his right hand infrequently. On Friday, November 28th, we were told by a neurologist that an earlier MRI scan showed that our dad had a secondary stroke from which he would never be able to recover.
My brother and I had to make the difficult decision to take him off the breathing machine that was assisting his breathing. To our amazement dad continue to breath on his own until the next day. This was a small miracle to me. It helped me to know that his life was in God's hands, and if he died it would be because God took him, not because man was keeping him alive. Our father, Bennie Alvis Stanley, passed away at 7:55 pm on November 29th, 2008.
We are thankful that in these last few years our dad was the happiest he had been in a long time. There is a story to tell of my dad that I do not have time for. In his own words that were written down in a poem that we found in some of his belongings said, "There once was a man who had pride, he lost that pride, and lost everything he had, and almost lost himself, but his pride was restored". I believe it was all through God.
A long time ago back in 1983 my dad surrended his life to Jesus Christ, and then he lost his way, it cost him everything, and nearly took his life, but then he found hope, got a good job, and met a wonderful lady that he began to love.
As my brother said in his own words, he saw my dad on the day that he had the stroke, and he said it was like knowing the Father that he once knew when he was 8 yrs. old!
Putting everything together we realized that that was around the time when my dad had been saved. I don't believe that this was a coincidence.
Our hearts, my heart is so hurting right now. I do not understand God the Father's plan in all this. I have been emotionally angry at Him because my heart has been broken with these two great losses in our lives, my life.
Right now I feel like a little girl sitting in the back seat of my daddy's car, kicking, screaming, and throwing a fit, because I (in my pride) believe that what I think is the best way to go is the way my daddy should go, but I can not see what my daddy sees. He knows better than I what is up ahead and where He is taking me, and He knows the best way to get me to the place He is taking me. I just have to learn to trust Him and learn how to wait on Him as He takes me to place that we are going! There is a story behind this, but this is how I feel right now. I may be kicking and screaming, but at least I am His child, and He is my daddy.
This is way more than a car ride though, this is real life, and it hurts, and sometimes I get upset, and I miss Abby and I miss my dad, and I don't understand why, and I hate sind and death, but I am slowly I believe beginning to trust again that my Heavenly Father knows what He is doing, that He is faithful, and will show me in His time.
Two things that helped me is that while in Oklahoma for Christmas, I saw my cousin Bucky, he feels called to preach the gospel. He is young and passionate about God, and so eager to learn about God. I was sharing an encouraging scripture with Him and it reminded me of the time God helped me to understand this scripture while I was in Bible College and working at night part time. The Lord has been with me, will He not be with me now?
Also, my granny share how she had to learn a hard lesson when my Uncle Steve (Bucky's dad) when to jail for drug possession. Her heart was broken to and she didn't understand why the Lord had allowed this to happen. But now she can see, because my Uncle Steve went to prison, he turned to the Lord Jesus in prison and was saved. My Uncle Steve himself would say that it was good that he went to prison for it brought him to the end of himself and helped him to see his need for a Savior.
So, I do not understand these circumstances, and my heart is broken, but oh may I trust in the Lord Jesus, he knows my brokeness more than anyone, for He gave up His life for us willingly. I have not given up my loved ones willingly.
I trust that the Lord Jesus will be all that I need if I will let Him be everything to me!
A lot has happened in the last six months with the loss of Abby, and then unexpectedly the loss of my father Bennie Alvis Stanley.
On October 31st, he had a massive hemmorraghic stroke (a massive brain bleed), the doctors believe it was caused by his high blood pressure. During most of the month of November we were going back and forth from Bryan, TX to Tulsa, OK and staying at the hospital as much as I possibly could. My brother, Cheyenne, stayed almost the whole month except for a few days to go home and take care of his place. At first my dad showed promising signs. He was moving his right side of his body and responding to the doctors, he opened his eyes, but was never able to become completely awake, then he eventually stopped responding and only moved his right hand infrequently. On Friday, November 28th, we were told by a neurologist that an earlier MRI scan showed that our dad had a secondary stroke from which he would never be able to recover.
My brother and I had to make the difficult decision to take him off the breathing machine that was assisting his breathing. To our amazement dad continue to breath on his own until the next day. This was a small miracle to me. It helped me to know that his life was in God's hands, and if he died it would be because God took him, not because man was keeping him alive. Our father, Bennie Alvis Stanley, passed away at 7:55 pm on November 29th, 2008.
We are thankful that in these last few years our dad was the happiest he had been in a long time. There is a story to tell of my dad that I do not have time for. In his own words that were written down in a poem that we found in some of his belongings said, "There once was a man who had pride, he lost that pride, and lost everything he had, and almost lost himself, but his pride was restored". I believe it was all through God.
A long time ago back in 1983 my dad surrended his life to Jesus Christ, and then he lost his way, it cost him everything, and nearly took his life, but then he found hope, got a good job, and met a wonderful lady that he began to love.
As my brother said in his own words, he saw my dad on the day that he had the stroke, and he said it was like knowing the Father that he once knew when he was 8 yrs. old!
Putting everything together we realized that that was around the time when my dad had been saved. I don't believe that this was a coincidence.
Our hearts, my heart is so hurting right now. I do not understand God the Father's plan in all this. I have been emotionally angry at Him because my heart has been broken with these two great losses in our lives, my life.
Right now I feel like a little girl sitting in the back seat of my daddy's car, kicking, screaming, and throwing a fit, because I (in my pride) believe that what I think is the best way to go is the way my daddy should go, but I can not see what my daddy sees. He knows better than I what is up ahead and where He is taking me, and He knows the best way to get me to the place He is taking me. I just have to learn to trust Him and learn how to wait on Him as He takes me to place that we are going! There is a story behind this, but this is how I feel right now. I may be kicking and screaming, but at least I am His child, and He is my daddy.
This is way more than a car ride though, this is real life, and it hurts, and sometimes I get upset, and I miss Abby and I miss my dad, and I don't understand why, and I hate sind and death, but I am slowly I believe beginning to trust again that my Heavenly Father knows what He is doing, that He is faithful, and will show me in His time.
Two things that helped me is that while in Oklahoma for Christmas, I saw my cousin Bucky, he feels called to preach the gospel. He is young and passionate about God, and so eager to learn about God. I was sharing an encouraging scripture with Him and it reminded me of the time God helped me to understand this scripture while I was in Bible College and working at night part time. The Lord has been with me, will He not be with me now?
Also, my granny share how she had to learn a hard lesson when my Uncle Steve (Bucky's dad) when to jail for drug possession. Her heart was broken to and she didn't understand why the Lord had allowed this to happen. But now she can see, because my Uncle Steve went to prison, he turned to the Lord Jesus in prison and was saved. My Uncle Steve himself would say that it was good that he went to prison for it brought him to the end of himself and helped him to see his need for a Savior.
So, I do not understand these circumstances, and my heart is broken, but oh may I trust in the Lord Jesus, he knows my brokeness more than anyone, for He gave up His life for us willingly. I have not given up my loved ones willingly.
I trust that the Lord Jesus will be all that I need if I will let Him be everything to me!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Wish I were better with words
I have been reading differnet blogs tonight and reading about Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, which was Abby's condition. I read three stories of babies who survived through having a heart transplant or surgery. Two of them were diagnosed very early on, within 24 hours of birth. This was really hard for me to read, and the questions start to come. Why, why not my Abby? Why couldn't she have shown signs earlier, why couldn't we have seen this earlier? Looking back now, I can see what I thought was problems with her having a cleft palate was actually the heart defect. This is so hard, I know none of this questioning is going to bring her back, but still my heart asks why? I don't know why tonight I am crying more than I have in the past week for Abby? I miss her, I want to hold her, I wish she was here. It is hard to try to get back to life as normal, will life ever be normal again. Oh, how I need to know that the Lord is near right now, that he sees my tears, and to believe that He is crying with me. For He has never forsaken those who seek Him!
I wish I could explain better how I feel, maybe blogging will help.
I wish I could explain better how I feel, maybe blogging will help.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Abigail Hannah Schafer
Abigail Hannah Schafer was born on June 3rd, 2008 and died 9 days later on June 12, 2008. She had a rare heart defect known as Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Basically, the left side of her heart was not fully developed. From the time Abby was born her heart was not able to function properly, we were blessed by God to have 9 wonderful days with her. More of the story to come soon!
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