Today is 7 months since the day we buried Abby, the day that was her due date.
Abby was born on June 3rd, 2008 and died 9 days later on June 12th, 2008. It is still hard to believe that all of this has really happened. It seems like a bad dream.
On top of that, my dad, Bennie Alvis Stanley had a massive hemorrhagic stroke on October 31st, 2008. At first it appeared that he was going to make a recovery, and then he had a second stroke in his brain stem which proved to be fatal. He passed away on November 29th, 2008. I think I am still in shock, like I know he is gone, but is it real. That he will call me or come walking through the door, or something.
Then there is January 2nd, 2009. I went in for an MRI for a brain scan just to get everything checked out. Around July 4th weekend in 2008 I began having a small smudge spot in my eye and headaches. This began to go back and forth and I began to have a sensitivity on the right side of my brain. So, anyways the radiologist called my family doctor, and my family doctor called me to inform me that I have what appears to be a tumor on my pituitary gland. My family doctor who attends the same church as we do later told me how hard it was to give me the news. All I could say on the other end of the phone was okay and try to take in all of the information. At first we didn't know if this was life threatning or what. The first thing Paul and I did was set down and pray. Then that weekend at church Dr. Brieger gathered around some deacons and had them pray over Paul and I, it was such an encouragement to me.
I can not say I understand any of this right now, except that I feel like God is bringing me to the end of myself. I am realizing I have no hope but Christ alone! I would like to be able to say that my faith has been strong, but it hasn't.
I have questioned God, I have even felt a feelings of hatred toward Him, and then wondered if He would still love me. That seems to be a big issue for me. I have doubted again, wanting to make sure that I am truly His child, letting my emotions lie to me, rather that listening to the truth of God's Word and remembering how he redeemed/saved me many years ago.
But last Sunday night I told God, I am messed up and only you can fix me, and I believe I identified with the body and blood of Christ, that's who He died for, messed up, sinful people like me. He just wants me to realize that I need Him, and He will have mercy on me!
Since then God has spoken to me through His Word, and I believe this is key and monumental for my life. I was teaching our daughter the 10 Commandments, and was reading the story about Moses. Anyways, God speaks the Commandment to the children of Isreal, and they are terrified, but Moses tells the "Do not fear, for God has sent this to test you so that you will not sin" So God has appeared this way so that they will fear Him and not sin, but it says that Moses approached the thick darkness where God was". Moses had confidence to approach this terrifying God because he knew God had called Him. Moses is a type of Christ, and through faith in Christ I am able to approach God especially in this time that seems like thick darkness. To know behind what seems like terrifying circumstances that God my Father is there. I believe He is going to make all things work together for His glory and my good!
I think I am starting to see that what really matters is God's glory and the gospel.
That we were created by God to enjoy Him forever, the bad news is we don't enjoy God like we should, the good news is God sent His Son to take our place, and pay the debt of love that we owe to God, and when we believe on His Son, he puts His Spirit in our hearts to cause us to love Him. I want to love Him and I need Him to love me, it's what I was created for!
I have been selfish, I need to let the light God has given me shine before men so that they will glorify Him!
There are many things I still don't understand, and I need to trust the Lord and ask Him to show me as much as I can see, that He will make sense of all these trials now and completely when I see my Savior's face.
I will end with a song, its' one I kind of put together from three different songs, God had been drawing me to himself from a young age. This is the prayer and cry of my heart.
I will trust you Lord with all my heart
And lean not on my own understanding
In all my ways acknowledge you
And you will direct my paths
I will seek you in the morning
And I will learn to walk in your ways
And step by step you'll lead me
And I will follow you all of my days
I will follow you all of my days
Cause Where you lead me I will follow
With your rod and staff to guide me
Over mountains and through the valleys
You will lead my heart to safety
And I will rest beneath the shadow of your wings
My soul follows hard after Thee
This is my dad Bennie Alvis Stanley. He was a great father, grandfather, son, brother, and friend. He loved life and loved music. He had many struggles in his life, but as I posted in an earlier post, I have hope that in the end that his heart was turned to Christ and that I will see him again! I love you and miss you so much!
