Wow!
A lot has happened in the last six months with the loss of Abby, and then unexpectedly the loss of my father Bennie Alvis Stanley.

On October 31st, he had a massive hemmorraghic stroke (a massive brain bleed), the doctors believe it was caused by his high blood pressure. During most of the month of November we were going back and forth from Bryan, TX to Tulsa, OK and staying at the hospital as much as I possibly could. My brother, Cheyenne, stayed almost the whole month except for a few days to go home and take care of his place. At first my dad showed promising signs. He was moving his right side of his body and responding to the doctors, he opened his eyes, but was never able to become completely awake, then he eventually stopped responding and only moved his right hand infrequently. On Friday, November 28th, we were told by a neurologist that an earlier MRI scan showed that our dad had a secondary stroke from which he would never be able to recover.
My brother and I had to make the difficult decision to take him off the breathing machine that was assisting his breathing. To our amazement dad continue to breath on his own until the next day. This was a small miracle to me. It helped me to know that his life was in God's hands, and if he died it would be because God took him, not because man was keeping him alive. Our father, Bennie Alvis Stanley, passed away at 7:55 pm on November 29th, 2008.

We are thankful that in these last few years our dad was the happiest he had been in a long time. There is a story to tell of my dad that I do not have time for. In his own words that were written down in a poem that we found in some of his belongings said, "There once was a man who had pride, he lost that pride, and lost everything he had, and almost lost himself, but his pride was restored". I believe it was all through God.
A long time ago back in 1983 my dad surrended his life to Jesus Christ, and then he lost his way, it cost him everything, and nearly took his life, but then he found hope, got a good job, and met a wonderful lady that he began to love.
As my brother said in his own words, he saw my dad on the day that he had the stroke, and he said it was like knowing the Father that he once knew when he was 8 yrs. old!
Putting everything together we realized that that was around the time when my dad had been saved. I don't believe that this was a coincidence.

Our hearts, my heart is so hurting right now. I do not understand God the Father's plan in all this. I have been emotionally angry at Him because my heart has been broken with these two great losses in our lives, my life.
Right now I feel like a little girl sitting in the back seat of my daddy's car, kicking, screaming, and throwing a fit, because I (in my pride) believe that what I think is the best way to go is the way my daddy should go, but I can not see what my daddy sees. He knows better than I what is up ahead and where He is taking me, and He knows the best way to get me to the place He is taking me. I just have to learn to trust Him and learn how to wait on Him as He takes me to place that we are going! There is a story behind this, but this is how I feel right now. I may be kicking and screaming, but at least I am His child, and He is my daddy.

This is way more than a car ride though, this is real life, and it hurts, and sometimes I get upset, and I miss Abby and I miss my dad, and I don't understand why, and I hate sind and death, but I am slowly I believe beginning to trust again that my Heavenly Father knows what He is doing, that He is faithful, and will show me in His time.

Two things that helped me is that while in Oklahoma for Christmas, I saw my cousin Bucky, he feels called to preach the gospel. He is young and passionate about God, and so eager to learn about God. I was sharing an encouraging scripture with Him and it reminded me of the time God helped me to understand this scripture while I was in Bible College and working at night part time. The Lord has been with me, will He not be with me now?

Also, my granny share how she had to learn a hard lesson when my Uncle Steve (Bucky's dad) when to jail for drug possession. Her heart was broken to and she didn't understand why the Lord had allowed this to happen. But now she can see, because my Uncle Steve went to prison, he turned to the Lord Jesus in prison and was saved. My Uncle Steve himself would say that it was good that he went to prison for it brought him to the end of himself and helped him to see his need for a Savior.

So, I do not understand these circumstances, and my heart is broken, but oh may I trust in the Lord Jesus, he knows my brokeness more than anyone, for He gave up His life for us willingly. I have not given up my loved ones willingly.
I trust that the Lord Jesus will be all that I need if I will let Him be everything to me!

Wish I were better with words

I have been reading differnet blogs tonight and reading about Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, which was Abby's condition. I read three stories of babies who survived through having a heart transplant or surgery. Two of them were diagnosed very early on, within 24 hours of birth. This was really hard for me to read, and the questions start to come. Why, why not my Abby? Why couldn't she have shown signs earlier, why couldn't we have seen this earlier? Looking back now, I can see what I thought was problems with her having a cleft palate was actually the heart defect. This is so hard, I know none of this questioning is going to bring her back, but still my heart asks why? I don't know why tonight I am crying more than I have in the past week for Abby? I miss her, I want to hold her, I wish she was here. It is hard to try to get back to life as normal, will life ever be normal again. Oh, how I need to know that the Lord is near right now, that he sees my tears, and to believe that He is crying with me. For He has never forsaken those who seek Him!

I wish I could explain better how I feel, maybe blogging will help.

Abigail Hannah Schafer

Abigail Hannah Schafer was born on June 3rd, 2008 and died 9 days later on June 12, 2008. She had a rare heart defect known as Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Basically, the left side of her heart was not fully developed. From the time Abby was born her heart was not able to function properly, we were blessed by God to have 9 wonderful days with her. More of the story to come soon!