Okay, Here I Go!

Okay, so it's taken me awhile-a long while to begin to do this blogging thing. I can't promise you I am going to continue, I hope to though. This has definitely been the hardest time in my life. I know many others have faced similar struggles as well. I have felt overwhelmed most of the time, just trying to make it through each day. Trying to seek the Lord, feeling like I am failing miserably at times. I am wanting to learn how to be real, whether anybody else reads this or not. If you have been on this sight you know some of what our family has been through. For me personally, what has added to all of these tragedies is the physical tiredness that I am experiencing. I find it difficult to keep focused and on task. I am homeschooling our 5 1/2 yr. old daughter at this time as well. So most of my energy goes toward trying to figure out how to teach a child diagnosed with Aspbergers and making sure that she is learning and being trained to help compensate for deficiencies in fine motor skills and attention. I love teaching her, I really do, but there are times when she has emotional outbursts or is resistant to learning and I am at a loss to know how to help her overcome these things.

So, enough about that. I recently had the opportunity to talk with another mother from our church Living Hope Bryan she had a different set of circumstances (loss of her teenage son), but knew the pain of loss. We talked over a picnic lunch and I told her about all that had happened in this last year and a half, and was able to show her some pictures of my sweet Abby. It was so good to be able to share her with someone, to say her name, to acknowledge her and the loss of her. I was telling my friend that I think I am still now just really coming to deal with the losses, because it has been so much, so quickly. I woke up this morning with feelings of anger towards God. I felt that I missed Abby so much. I question so many times why God allowed this to happen to us. It is hard reading the gospels or other stories in the bible at times because the Lord seems so willing to heal, and yet we didn't see any healing on our behalf or see God answering our prayers. There have been thoughts of doubt and questions about my faith. People keep telling me that it is going to get better, that one day the pain is going to be a little less, that I will be able to help others, that I will be more like Christ. Honestly, those things sound good but sometimes they don't help very much. Seeing others who have come through their own trials with faith in Christ still intact and thriving do give me some hope. I think if the Lord helped them through, can he not help me too? Then there are times that I am scared! Am I going to see any purpose, do I have to wait until I get to heaven for any of this to be revealed. Am I really going to see my Abby and my Dad in heaven? Surely not, I don't see that in Scripture, God didn't just leave Ruth or Job out there and said you'll understand it all in heaven one day. He showed in their lifetime at least some of his plan and purpose, though not all. By the way I am so glad the stories of Job and Ruth or in the bible, that there we people that tragedies happened to that wasn't a result of a "LACK OF FAITH" on their part. I need to know that right now. I need to believe Psalm 138:8, and what David said, that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.