If you have visited this site, you have probably realized that I'm not that great with words. Some people seem to have a gift for knowing what to say or knowing what to do. I visited a few blogs to see what some people I know are up to. Heard about some really amazing stuff that God is doing in their lives, and that is wonderful! I really am excited for them. But I feel stuck. Stuck here in this grief still. Stuck in life. Oh, I know what I am doing has a purpose, and I am a child of God. But what does God have for us? What is to come out of our lives, out of our tragedy. Abby's death was not meaningless. It seems like I am okay for awhile, life keeps moving forward, and I am moving with it, sometimes by God's grace. Then sometimes, I am upset. I don't know what to do, but I wish I could do something, or maybe that God would do something. Something amazing, something that will say to everyone, See, they haven't went through this for nothing! I am displaying My Glory through them. If I am honest, sometimes I don't feel that way, and it's hard to believe that God is doing anything. Though I just need to look back and remember how He has carried us through so far.
One thing that is hard is that the three close friends that I have right now, we all seem to be going in different directions. My closest friend just had a new baby boy over a month ago, and it hurts. It hurts to be around her, it hurts to see her baby, when after two years I still wish that I had mine. Maybe, it is hard for her to be around me right now too. Maybe it is painful for her too, and she doesn't know how to act around me. She has three kids now, and it's different dynamics. So many people are having babies around me, it is unreal. I just feel alone right now. Yes, I know the Lord is with me and I need to turn to Him, but I also need community. It is hard to know if I should try to reach out to them, or should I try to have some new relationships. It is hard to know what to do. Father God, remind me Whose I Am, and help me know what to do?
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3 comments:
Praying for you at 2:24 a.m. January 2, 2011. May the God of all comfort comfort you. I pray that 2011 will bring you joy, overflowing joy. Love, a sister in Christ.
Hi Becky,
A friend sent me your blog. I am an assistant director for MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death). www.mend.org
We are a support group here in B/CS for families that have lost babies from a miscarriage up to after the first year of birth. In reading your blog you are having feelings that are normal to mom's who have endured a loss like ours.
I have a blog in my son's memory--www.nemosjourney-sandy.blogspot.com.
I invite you to read it and contact me if you want to talk. I also welcome you to our meetings. They are the 2nd Tuesday of the month at either Hawthorne Suites or Hyatt Place.
My e-mail is shuelsebusch@yahoo.com.
Take care and thinking of you.
Sandy
Praying for God's comfort for you and honoring your loss.
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